Shariah on the soccer field – International Herald Tribune:
4. Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Instead, add to this number or decrease it.
5. Play in your regular clothes or pajamas or something like that, but not colored shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather they are heretical and Western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.
6. If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order to better struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.
7. Do not set the time of play at 45 minutes, which is the official time of the Jews, Christians and all the heretical and atheist countries. This is the time used by teams that have strayed from the righteous path
The Manchester United v Chelsea match that I’d taped (thank you, Fox Soccer Channel) was on in the background when I stumbled across the story above. I was reading it in growing disbelief, when suddenly, there was an uproar behind me.
Holy shit! Manchester scored!
Gooooooooooaaaaaaaalll!
They won the match eventually, in case you’re interested. 1-0. Chelsea’s 40-win streak bit the dust. Go Manchester!
I turned back to my computer screen and read the rest of the article.
If neither of you beats the other, or “wins” as it is called, and neither puts the leather between the posts, do not add extra time or penalties until someone wins. No, instead leave the field, because winning with overtime and penalty kicks is the pinnacle of imitating heretics.
What the fuck? No, this would not stand. This called for – you guessed it – a FOTWA (Fatwa Of The Week from America).
FOTWA #3: On Soccer.
It has come to the attention of the SICOTWWWLAIBB (Supreme Islamic Council Of The Whole Wide World Located At Ilan Bashir’s Blog) that there are some Damn Fool Clerics (DFC’s) issuing some Damn Fool Fatwas (DFF’s) that not only effect changes in the way that soccer is played, but screw up the game completely. We have discussed this amongst ourselves during our weekly fondue night (we dumped the luau – see FOTWA #2 for explanation) and have decided that this DFF on Soccer is not just a DFF, but a DFF Of The Most Egregious Sort (DFFOTMES).
This DFFOTMES messes with the most Holy of sports. No one, save Allah himself, or FIFA, may mess with the rules of soccer, nor its traditions, its values or, frankly, any other aspect of soccer.
It is therefore the unanimous vote of the SICOTWWWLAIBB (well, Achmed is in the bathroom – the queso con carne fondue didn’t agree with him, but we’re sure he’s with us on this) that not only is the Fatwa issued by the Damn Fool Clerics above a complete and total travesty, but that it is against Islam itself. We therefore negate that fatwa completely, thus restoring the rightful balance of the universe.
It is also the unanimous vote of the SICOTWWWLAIBB (yes, Achmed’s back – no, wait, there he goes again) that no fatwas are to be issued from this day forth on the subject of Soccer by any clerics at all. The most Holy of sports is to be left alone by the clergy and under no circumstances is any aspect of it to come under scrutiny by anyone with a title such as “Sheikh”, “Imam”, “Mufti” or any such.
It is also the unanimous vote of the SICOTWWLAIBB (damnit, Achmed, stay in the bathroom) that as penalty for this Damn Fool Fatwa Of The Most Egregious Sort, the clerics who wrote this fatwa are to have a horde of drunken Scottish soccer fans beat the shit out of them. The same punishment will be applied to the writers of any other fatwas on soccer – though we reserve the right to switch the Scottish fans with Irish ones as well.
Now, let us be clear. This FOTWA is an important one. Not only does it countermand an existing fatwa, but it also lays a penalty on the original fatwa writers and set up penalties for any future fatwas on a specific topic.
It is – are you ready for this? – a preemptive FOTWA.
It’s unprecedented. Surprising. Astonishing, even.
Have we blown your mind?
Of course, Allah knows best.
Until next week’s FOTWA, this is Ilan Bashir on behalf of the SICOTWWWLAIB, wishing you good night, and good luck.