Bashir

I know you’ve been waiting, so here it is, the Fatwa Of The Week from America (#2)

Daily Times – Site Edition:
Clerics issue fatwa against coming down from hilltops

* State minister says 50,000 Allai survivors could freeze to death

By Iqbal Khattak

BALAKOT: Clerics in Allai area of Battagram have reportedly issued a fatwa forbidding people from descending the hilltop and a federal minister on Tuesday warned that 50,000 people or more in the Allai area could die if they do not come down.

The people of Allai have so far not descended from the hilltop and their reluctance largely stems from a reported fatwa by some local clerics that it was un-Islamic to flee from a disaster zone.

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FOTWA #2: On DFC’s and DFF’s.

It has come to the attention of the SICOTWWWLAIBB (Supreme Islamic Council Of The Whole Wide World Located At Ilan Bashir’s Blog) that there are some Damn Fool Clerics issuing fatwas about not fleeing from disaster areas. We have examined the issue carefully and have discussed it amongst ourselves during our weekly luau. We have come to the following conclusion: A halal goat roasting on an open fire is simply not very luau-ish. Even with an apple in its mouth.

Oh, right, the fatwa thing. Yes, we have a decision on that as well. Here it is:

Damn Fools.

That’s right. The clerics who issued the fatwa about not fleeing from disaster areas are Damn Fools. We believe that it is the duty of every Muslim to ignore these Damn Fool Clerics and flee the disaster areas as fast as their feet, cows, cars and bicycles can carry them.

It’s a disaster area, people. D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. Disaster. Please look it up in the dictionary. It is defined as “a sudden event, such as an accident or a natural catastrophe, that causes great damage or loss of life”. Disaster Area, by the way, is defined as “an area in which a major disaster has recently occurred”.

Now, Allah has given all people, Muslims, non-muslims and FSM believers alike, this wonderful thing called Free Will. Look it up. No, not right now – right now, it’s time to flee.

See, you don’t have to be beholden to Damn Fool Clerics (henceforth to be known as DFC’s) and their Damn Fool Fatwas (DFF’s). You’ve looked up the meaning of the word “Disaster”. You’ve looked up the meaning of the words “Disaster Area”. Your common sense at this point should be telling you, “Flee, you fool!” Your free will allows you to listen to your common sense.

Please do so now.

And of course, Allah knows best.

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Please tune in next Friday for our weekly FOTWA. Until then, this is Ilan Bashir, on behalf of the SICOTWWWLAIBB, wishing you good night, and good luck.

PS: If you’re reading this from a hilltop in Allai, please flee. Now.